A Mother Lost
by tenjounotora
Summary: This was part of a larger story about Alan growing up, but I've decided that's not going to get finished. So here is a story about what happened when the boys' mother died.


A Mother Lost

Alan Tracy was the youngest of five. He was the baby of the family and everyone doted on him, but no one as much as his mother. She always held him and kept him close to her. That was something she hadn't quite done with the others, but then that was before her second youngest, the boisterous Gordon.

She admitted early on she was a little scared that Gordon might try and play too hard with his new brother and hurt him, so she got one of those wraps and had Alan strapped to her most days.

It was only when he had gotten too heavy for her that she started to leave him in the playpen with Gordon who was now a year older than when Alan was born and might just be able to understand that he couldn't play quite as rough with him as he did with his older brothers.

Alan loved his brothers. Gordon always made him laugh, and the others would talk, play, and read him stories. His father was always a great place to fall asleep on when he was around, but in his absence Scott or his mom would do.

When Alan was upset though, there was only one person he would call, his mother. All he had to do was cry and she'd be there, holding him, bouncing him, and telling him everything would be okay. It didn't matter if he was hungry, dirty, or scared she was always there when he needed her.

Alan had just turned two when she had went away. They said it was for business, but of course Alan didn't understand what that meant. He cried the first time she was not there, and most of the second day. Then they had her on the phone, her torso floating above the table as she talked to them all. Alan cried a little then too cause he wanted his mom to hug him and hold him close.

She promised him she'd be back though. Just another day or so and she'd be there to hug him and love on him.

They talked to her again the next day and the next. Then he was told she was coming home.

Alan didn't really remember anything from the day their mother died. He was too young to understand what had happened, and for the longest time was confused as to why he couldn't see his mom again.

That day he had constantly asked where his mom was. Kept telling everyone he wanted his mom.

At first his father and brothers laughed at him and told him soon. As the day went on he started to get shrugs and told that she'd be home that night. It wasn't until after dinner that they had found out what had happened.

When their father had received the call he had stood in hall with his phone to his ear for a very long time. Alan watched curiously from his playpen, wondering if his father had broken down like one of Gordon's toys.

Scott appeared from the kitchen still wiping his hands from cleaning up dinner. Their father seemed to jump when Scott touched him and Alan watched as Scott's eyes grew wide with worry.

Scott guided his father into the living room and to his chair. "Virgil! Get John and come down. Something's wrong!"

Alan jumped a little at the loudness of his brother's voice. It wasn't unusual for his brother's to get loud, but Alan was sure something strange was going on.

"Daddy hurt?"

Scott glanced back at him. "I don't know, Allie." Then he was gone and back again with a glass of water trying to get their father to drink it.

"Scotty? What's wrong?" Virgil had appeared in the room followed by John, both looking a bit worried.

"He got a phone call and then started to cry." Scott forced the cup of water into his father's hand and then moved over toward his brothers. "I've never seen him cry like this."

"Gordy?" Alan tugged on Gordon's shirt. He had climbed into the playpen with him like he usually did when he wanted to play. "Daddy hurt?"

Gordon was frowning and just ignored his little brother. Even he knew something bad was going on.

Alan pouted a little he didn't really like being ignored. His lip stuck out he slapped the edge of the playpen with his hands and called out to the brother that would always come. "Birdy! Birdy Birdy Birdy!"

It was a nickname Alan had somehow come up with, having had trouble pronouncing Vs and then from a book Virgil read to him often. They had tried to correct him at first, but eventually gave up.

"Daddy hurt?" Alan asked once more as Virgil picked him up and held him on his hip.

"I don't know."

"Scott, I'm—" Their father shook his head and took in a deep breath. "I need—I need to tell you something. Sit." He set the glass that was in his hand down on the table next to his chair while he waved the elder away to go sit on the couch.

John was already sitting so Virgil had set Alan next to him. Gordon had climbed out of the playpen and was trying to climb up onto the couch, and Virgil helped him so he was on John's other side. Virgil sat on Gordon's other side and waited.

Scott didn't move though.

"Scott, go. Your brothers are going to need you."

"Dad, what is—"

"Go!"

Their father's voice as a little sharper than normal, even when he was scolding Gordon for something and Alan wasn't the only one that jumped.

Scott was hesitant but slowly moved over to the couch and sat next to Virgil on the very edge, ready to jump to his feet if needed.

Their father was silent for a long time. Alan squirmed a little, getting as close to John as he could without actually being on his lap, though that's really what he wanted.

"Johnny?" Alan looked up at his brother.

"Shh." John patted Alan's leg and then rested his arm around the youngest holding him tight to his side.

There was another long silence and their father finally sighed. "I just got off the phone with the Sheriff." There was another long pause. "The FAA had contacted him—" Their father seemed to choke on something and he coughed and cleared his throat then reached up and wiped at his eyes. "Th-they found your mother's plane. T-traced it's origin to the airfield here. Bill was able to i-identify it—"

"Dad, where's mom?" Scott was on his feet, his hands in fists.

Their father lowered his head into his hands and chocked back another sob.

"Dad!"

Their father shook his head. "N-no survivors."

"No!" Scott stomped his foot and scrunched his eyes closed.

Alan just blinked and looked over at his brothers. Gordon was crawling on Virgil asking what 'no survivors' meant. Virgil was trying to push him off and eventually slid off the couch and left. John next to him had pulled his knees to his chest and hid his face in them but as soon as Gordon had turned to him, John too stood and stormed up stairs.

It was just him and Gordon left on the couch, Scott was next to his father demanding answers. Alan was confused to say the least. He hadn't understood what his father had said, nor why his brothers were suddenly so upset.

All Alan wanted at that moment was his mother. She would know what to do, she would hug him and comfort him. So Alan did what he knew would always bring his mother to him—he started to cry.

He cried for a very long time before Scott finally came over and sat down with him and Gordon. That wasn't what he had wanted so he continued to cry, calling for his mom.

He cried for a long time, but his mother never came.

The next week had been confusing for the little two year old. He still didn't understand what was going on.

Grandma Tracy had shown up a day later and taken the three youngest to the city to buy some nice clothes. Alan had thought it was a fun day, but his brother's were still sad so he wasn't sure if he should be sad or not.

The next day they were forced to go to some strange building dressed up in their new clothes. Gordon wouldn't go in and screamed until they finally let him stay out in the lobby.

Grandma Tracy carried Alan for the most part so while he was upset that Gordon was upset he had no choice but to go into the building with his grandma.

The room was large, with a pretty box at one end. His grandma carried him up to the box and he was shocked when he saw his mother laying there like she was asleep.

"Mommy!" Alan leaned away from his grandma and tried to reach for her.

"Alan, no." Grandma Tracy pulled him away and set him down on the floor.

"I want Mommy!" Alan grabbed at the fabric that covered the table the casket sat on trying his best to climb up it.

"Scott, why don't you take him out with Gordon for now." His father was there and picked him up handing him over to his biggest brother.

Scott nodded and took his brother. Alan did not want to go though. His mom was right there, she was just asleep. "Mommy!"

Scott took him into the lobby and sat him down in the chair next to Gordon who was still crying.

"Scotty, I want Mommy!"

"Not right now, Allie. Grandma and Dad want to say goodbye first."

"Bye? She's asleep!"

"She's not going to wake up, Allie." Gordon had his arms crossed, his eyes still wet from crying.

Alan's lip started to tremble a little. He didn't understand anything. His mom was right there, in the other room asleep. Why wouldn't she wake up? She as right there!

Alan started to cry, he couldn't help it. He wanted his mom and everyone was doing what they could to keep her from him.

Scott knelt down in front of him, his other grandparents behind him—his mother's parents that is—they were both red-eyed and crying as well.

"Allie. Mom is gone. What you see in there is all that is left, she'll never wake up so we're here just to say goodbye."

Alan still didn't quite understand, but he cried anyways. He didn't want to say goodbye to his mother. Gordon pulled him into a hug and cried with him.

The two youngest stayed side by side the entire time they were there. Grandma Tracy stayed with them during the funeral and then everyone seemed to take turns after. They were eventually loaded into a car and drove to a place Alan had never been before. The box was now sitting above a hole in the ground and Alan didn't like the look of that.

More words were said that he didn't understand and then his father was holding him as they passed by the casket and laid a flower on top. His father then took him back to the car and they drove home.

It was a confusing and exhausting day. His father laid him down in his playpen as soon as they had gotten home and Alan fell right asleep. He slept through all the people that had come and all the food that had been brought. He woke up a bit when his father took him to his room. Gordon immediately curled up with him and they both fell asleep.

Alan woke up crying for his mother often, and Gordon did as well. Grandma Tracy left to go back home herself a couple of weeks later, and then their father accepted the offer from their mother's parents to move in with them on the ranch.

Once moved they started to get back into a routine. The ranch brought back memories of their mother and they would still break out crying randomly it seemed and Alan would cry too—upset that his brothers were upset more than anything.

During these times he wanted nothing more than his mother, but usually got a brother instead. Usually it was Scott or Virgil, rarely was it John or Gordon.

It wasn't that John or Gordon weren't sympathetic to their little brother, it was more that they were also still struggling with the loss of their mother. For most of the time they were okay; they went to school, made new friends, and had good grades. But when they were alone, they weren't always okay—especially when Alan started to cry for her. Gordon especially would start to cry as well.

But slowly a new normality was found and even Alan got used to not having his mother around and would soon forget what few memories he had of her. He would never forget her though, there were too many pictures and stories for him to listen to for that to happen.


End file.
